


Fentanyl

by cherrypiecas



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Deviates From Canon, Dialogue Heavy, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Gravity Falls Oregon, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, No Smut, Sad, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 20:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6023374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrypiecas/pseuds/cherrypiecas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even when you cry.</p><p>Even when you crumble.</p><p>Even when you take more pills.</p><p>I love you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fentanyl

I reached for her hand and bit my lip as I touched it lightly and felt the cold sweat on it. Mabel gave me an assuring look as I felt myself tremble and I wished that she didn’t do that. It only made me feel worse.

“Mr. Pines, Mabel’s condition is a very rare one, but it exists. I highly suggest that you try treatment such as a Palliative surgery or chemotherapy.” The doctor’s voice was condescending.

“She has cancer?” I felt my veins go ice cold and my nails dug into my palms as I looked at Mabel, weakly staring at me.

“She has Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer, Mr. Pines.” The doctor’s voice sounded sympathetic, yet almost bored.

“No,” I whispered, “That’s not true, it can’t be, we’re only 22..”

“Dipper,” Mabel’s voice spoke up as I turned to look at her warm brown eyes, “It’s true.”

“Mr. Pines, at this stage, her cancer has spread to other major organs, such as her lungs. All I can suggest is that she either have a palliative surgery, try chemotherapy to shrink the tumors, or go for a testing trial with new drugs…”

“Put her on whatever will give her the longest life-“ I spoke quickly, snapping my answer.

“However, this is not your decision to make.” The doctor stopped sharply, looking from me to Mabel.

I felt myself turning to look at Mabel, realizing the tears that were streaming down my face and wiping them away as she regained herself.

“I wish to have no treatment.” She said softly.

I felt the fear and anger and just everything in me bubble up in my chest and I clenched my fists. I yanked my hand out of hers. “How could you?” I felt the desperation take over me and I saw the tears form in her eyes as well.

“Dipper, I am already dead. No matter what drugs they pump into me, I have practically a one percent chance of surviving this. I don’t want to be in pain. I just,” she swallowed hard, “I just want you to stay here with me in Gravity Falls for this summer. My last summer.”

“Mabel!” I felt myself shout and whimper all at the same time.

“Dipper, I love you, but I do not want you to watch me waste away and lose my hair and constantly be sick and cry. I am going to do a Physician-Assisted Suicide. This is a terminal illness. I have no hope.” Mabel’s voice was strong and I couldn’t figure out how it didn’t wobble as mine did. “Do we have a decision?” The doctor asked. “I wish to have the papers for Physician-Assisted Suicide, a DNR form, and a hospital release.”

Mabel’s words were swift and I couldn’t even speak to argue. I felt myself shrivel as an assistant brought the papers in and I watched as she signed them. The doctor signed them as well and pulled the walking IV out of her arm. She gave her a bottle of pills and a machine with a cannula.

“Use the pills for pain and this at night so you can breathe, and if you have trouble breathing.” She said as I grabbed each of the items. I pressed my lips together tightly as I stared at my sister. Her hair was still long and brown and curly at the ends and her eyes were duller but I could still see a faded sparkle to them. We walked out to the parking lot and I placed the machine and bottle of pills in the backseat as I held the passenger door open for Mabel. I drove down the road and back to the Mystery Shack. We went inside and I stared at all of the old things of the gift shop. Grunkle Stan was gone now, off in some country somewhere, after the fight. Dust had collected on most of the items and I coughed as I helped Mabel to her room.

“I’m not helpless, you know,” she assured me.

“I know,” I replied, turning away.

“Hey Dip?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah?” I asked, refusing to look at her as I felt my voice break.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

I walked away as she laid on her bed, not wanting to look at her. Walking up to the attic, I stared at all of my old stuff still on the shelf, and Mabel’s stuff, gone from the room. I laid down on the mattress and felt everything just crumble inside of me as I drooled and cried. I only had one summer left with my sister. Feeling exhausted after everything, I fell asleep. I felt restless. It was dark and something rattled behind me. I trembled as I turned and saw glowing yellow eyes. They moved out of the woods with a nice suit and I froze as I identified them.

“Bill.” I said in a hushed voice.

“Pine Tree,” he chuckled, “How very nice to see you.”

“Why are you here, Bill? My sister’s dying. Did you come to see my suffering and pain, because here you go. Thanks.” I snapped.

“Woah, woah, Pine Tree. Calm down. I’m here to save your sister.” He smirked with the corner of his mouth and I felt my whole body shiver.

“What?” I mouthed.

“I said I’m here to save her. You deaf, kid?” Bill crossed his arms.

“How much would it cost to save her?” I asked.

“Your soul,” Bill shrugged, “I mean, what’d you expect, really? You wanted to save her life for a jar of honey or something?”

“No…I just…” I stuttered.

“Ha, kid, you know that I love when you get flustered like that. It’s the ultimate sacrifice, really. All you have to do is give up your life for your sister’s. You die, she lives.” Bill seemed content.

“Mabel wouldn’t want me to do that.” I said confidently.

“Dipper, nobody wants to die. They all scream ‘God save me! I’m going to heaven! I don’t deserve this! Oh, no!’ but really, let’s be honest. Mabel is afraid. Mabel doesn’t want to die. Everyone is afraid of death, even the man who jumps off Golden Gate Bridge, he regrets.”

“She would never forgive me.” I shook my head.

“I can’t disagree with you on that one, but if you don’t do this, you’d never be able to forgive yourself. I mean, how could you live like that? Knowing you could’ve saved her but didn’t because of your selfish needs?” Bill clicked his tongue.

I felt my whole body tense as anger flowed through my veins and flushed my face.

“Fuck you! You don’t know half of what I’m going through! I’m not selfish! I love her! Have you never loved anyone?” I felt the tears again and I wanted more than anything not to cry in front of him.

“Pine Tree, of course I’ve loved someone. I lost him. You ever wonder how I got this way?” Bill shook his head as he turned away, “If you don’t want to save your sister, fine! Let her suffer to her death.”

I could see the tears in his eyes as he turned over ever so slightly just to look at me. Weeks went by. Mabel grew weaker. Bill visited a few times, trying to convince me throughout the day. I could hear Mabel crying out in pain sometimes, and I would go down to make sure she was alright and we would watch movies together and go to the store. She reluctantly began using her breathing machine when we went out for walks and I found myself twisting my finger around her breathing tube as she sat while we played board games or card games when we came back and she needed time to calm down. The first night I heard her fumbling with the pain medicine, I felt my heart break. The Fentanyl would make her a little dreamy but she was pain free at least. I stared at the wall as I sat on my mattress. I felt Bill touch my shoulder and I instantly teared up as I realized that today marked halfway through the time left that I had with Mabel.

“Go away,” I whispered spitefully.

“No,” Bill said softly and a shiver ran up my spine as I turned to face him.

“Fuck you, Bill, honestly. I hate you.” I spit in his face.

“Pine Tree…” he began. “No, Bill. I’m tired of all of the dumb ass games. I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of the stupid shit. I’m done. You’ve never loved anyone, no matter what you say.” I felt the tears slide down my face. I never imagined losing Mabel would be this hard.

“Dipper, that’s not why I’m here.” Bill squinted as he looked me straight in the eyes.

“Then why are you…”

“I care about you. I’ve watched you ever since everything. You have to believe me now when I say it- Mabel’s condition has worsened quicker than the doctors thought it would. She’s exhausted and she’s ready to give up. Pine Tree, you have to be strong. Trust me, I know.” Bill took a deep breath, “I loved someone once, a very long time ago. He was a human, and I was a human. I made a deal to be a human. His name was… oh god I can’t even remember. That’s how fucked up I’ve gotten. I loved him with such a burning passion, and he loved me. We were perfect. My affection for him was infinite and I had never experienced anything ever quite like it. It was only when they found out that we were homosexual. I denied it and having my father as powerful as he was, I was pardoned. But he… I was afraid… he… he was burned to death. I could have saved him. A demon came to me and I rejected his offer. I came back to this after death. All I can feel now is numbness, and I regret every day of it.” “Bill,” I said quietly. “I thought I would never be able to love again, and I was wrong. You have to survive. You can make it through this. No matter how empty you feel, you have to do something. Choose something. Her death or yours.”

“I choose her choice.” I felt myself crumble with every word, “No matter how empty I feel, I need to be there for her.”

“So be it,” Bill said as he vanished.

I held my face in my hands. Each week passed by quickly and I could hardly grasp on to each passing day as I felt myself crave her more and more. The sound of her rooting through the pill bottle seemed more frequent until one day, I didn’t hear it at all. I panicked, jumping up and terrified as I rushed to her room, but she lay, fine.

“I feel great today, Dip-dip,” she smiled and I could see the light behind her eyes for once in forever. Maybe it would be okay, “Can we go to the water park or something?”

“Maybe not the water park… how about we have a water balloon fight. After all, it is August.” I felt my voice tremble at the end as I realized how close it was until the day only being a week and a day away, our birthday and Mabel’s death date, August 31st . I grabbed a few sodas from the fridge and she grabbed the breathing machine, just in case. We walked out to the yard and I grabbed the hose, filling up the first water balloon. She stared at me as I aimed, and threw it at her. She screamed with delight from the deck and took a drink of her cola. I filled up a small bucket of water balloons for her and smiled as I ran them to her and took off back to mine in the yard. The grass tickled my bare feet and I felt the sweat drip down my neck from the heat. In that moment, I was free. We threw balloons at each other and we smiled and I couldn’t see the weakness in her skinny arms and legs and we truly laughed for once. I felt the worry poking only so slightly at me that this would all end soon, but I blocked it out with the laughter and joy that surged through my veins.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of coughing and the pill bottle rattling to the floor. Every inch of me shrieked with fear and I shook as I heard Bill’s voice playing over and over in my head. I saw Mabel lying on the kitchen floor, blood dripping out of her mouth as she coughed and Fentanyl pills surrounding her. I felt my hands shake and my mind stop as I felt my whole world blur and I dropped the phone before I could dial 9-1-1. I struggled the press each button and the dispatcher picked up as I shook, struggling to breathe. Everything after that happened in a blur.

We were all rushed to the hospital and they called mom and dad and nurses told me it would be okay but Mabel was still struggling for air. The cancer had reached her lungs. I stood over her bed as I watched Bill walk in beside me and I felt the tears fall on to her blanket. Her eyes were closed and she had all of the equipment all over her and the breathing tube just kept making this awful scratching sound and I could hear her struggling to catch her breath as she slept. I felt everything shake inside me and I felt Bill’s hand on mine as I gritted my teeth and just wished she could breathe normally and stop making that noise. I was confused and scared and sad all at the same time and I wished I could just turn everything off like a horror movie. I squeezed Bill’s hand, unable to make words and mom and dad just stared at her.

Mabel died six days later, on a Tuesday, and the day before the one when she was supposed to die. It was a warm, beautiful sunny day. I was holding her hand and the noise got louder and made me feel sick until finally there was this awful guttural sound and it all just stopped. Her hand squeezed at mine and I screamed at the nurses as Bill wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear “let her go, let her go, let her go” at least a thousand times. They hushed us out of the room as her vital signs stopped and I fell to the floor, curling up into a ball, unable to breathe. I woke up in my bed, Mom and Dad watching me. “He’s awake,” Mom said from the side of my bed, “Honey…” I stared at them as the tears welled up in my eyes. “

Mabel…dead….” I could hardly force out the words as I struggled to breathe. “I know, honey.” Mom’s voice should have soothed me as it always did, but all I felt was the anger bubbling up inside me.

“No…get out…”I mumbled, before raising my voice, “GET OUT OF HERE!”

Mom looked shocked but they left the room as I sobbed violently, unable to move, unable to breathe. I felt something touch my shoulder as I turned to see Bill.

“Need…want…bring…her…back…” I struggled to form words as they fell off my tongue. Bill just wrapped his arms around me as I struggled and sobbed.

“She’s gone, Dipper.”

“You…can…anything…” I gasped for air, “Bring…back…”

“No, Dipper. I may be immortal, but it is possibly the biggest curse to be blessed with. But I cannot bring her back.”

I sobbed into his shoulder as I grabbed his hands and found myself struggling. Weeks went by, followed by months. Bill stayed with me every day. My parents finally left out of their frustration.

“Pine Tree,” Bill said quietly one day as I sat beside him, staring into space.

“I loved her,” I said quietly.

“Pine Tree,” He turned me towards him, urgent. He stared back at me with his brilliant yellow eyes and I leaned in and pressed my lips against his, desperate for some kind of emotion, something that felt real. I ran my hands all through his blonde strands of hair. I felt trapped, frozen in my own body and my life. He kissed me back, and I felt nothing as I shivered.

“Pine Tree,” Bill sounded more assertive as I held my face in my hands.

“Sorry…sorry…” I felt my voice cracking.

“Pine Tree, I know you’re just doing this to feel something. This,” He gestured to himself, “Is not the solution.”

“I need someone to make me feel again.” I whimpered.

“No.” he said, “You need to feel for yourself before you can get anyone else.”

“I can’t…” I said, “I need you.”

“Dipper,” he sighed heavily, “That’s what I needed to tell you. I need to go. For your sake, for the hope that you’ll ever get better, I have to go. Check yourself into a mental hospital. Save yourself.”

“I can’t do this alone!” I cried.

“Pine Tree, you can’t do it with me by your side either.” I shivered as he vanished.

Running down the stairs, I ran and saw the blood stain and the Fentanyl pills all over the floor. Stopping, I held them in my hands as I stared at them before swallowing the handful of pills. I could hear Bill’s screaming in my ear as I strained against everything. Getting up off the floor, I felt the effects start to hit me as I got into the car and turned the engine on. I could still hear Bill screaming my name as I dialed 911.

“Mystery Shack, Fentanyl.” I shuddered as I felt myself crumble again and suddenly Bill was next to me again.

“This wasn’t part of the deal, Pine Tree. You better not fucking die on me,” he whispered.

“Okay,” I said quietly as I heard the fire engines pull in. I woke up in the hospital days later. I stayed for months, and I hadn’t heard from Bill ever since I went to the hospital. I finally went home but I still couldn’t feel. I walked up to the Mystery Shack entrance. Opening the door, I saw Bill standing there.

“Don’t come back in here.” He shook his head.

“Why?” I asked.

“Leave this town. Get out.”

“Bill, what’s wrong?”

“Pine Tree, if you stay here, you’ll end up dead.”

“Bill, I want you.”

“Pine Tree, I love you, but everything I touch dies horribly, and if you come back in this damn house, I swear to God I will kill you my damn self.”

“But Bill…”

“Dipper if you come back, you’re going to kill yourself.”

“But Bill, I think I l…”

“No, don’t say that.”

“Why?”

“You’ll only make it more painful.”

“What?” “Dipper, I’m not fucking real. It’s all in your head.”

“No…” “No matter how much you try, it’s only the Fentanyl.”

“No,” I felt myself shudder as I saw the empty bottle on the ground in front of the house.

I picked it up, inspecting it.

 

 

 

Fentanyl.

**Author's Note:**

> 2/15/16
> 
> Today is the day. Rest in piece, Gravity Falls. I will miss you infinitely. Thank you so much Alex. I cannot wait for the finale tonight. Thank you to everyone reading this! Hope you enjoy this drabble.


End file.
